Endangered, But Not Inconveniently
Updating the legal definitions of harm
The spotted owl stared at the government memo pinned to its branch.
“Dear Endangered Species,” it began, “Due to recent policy changes, your habitat is no longer considered essential to your survival. Please relocate at your earliest inconvenience.”
“Absurd,” muttered the owl, blinking slowly.
A nearby beaver gnawed a stump. “They redefined ‘harm.’ Now it only counts if someone hits you with a shovel.”
“So bulldozing the forest is fine if they say ‘excuse me’ first?”
“Exactly!” said the beaver. “It’s progress. Comes with a food court.”
The owl ruffled its feathers. “Is there someone I can complain to?”
“Sorry,” said the beaver. “The complaints department is now a parking lot.”
“What happens to us?” asked the owl.
The beaver pulled out a map of North America covered in water stains and wood shavings. “We move to Canada.”
“Is it still habitable?”
“Mostly,” said the beaver. “As long as you avoid the geese—and don’t mind waiting three years for a permit.”
“How do we get there?”
“There’s a migratory loophole in subsection 42B of the Endangered Species Relocation Treaty. We can apply for permanent residency.”
“Apply?”
“Yeah. Through Form EH-7: Intention to Flee Idiocy. Comes with a background check, proof of adaptability, twelve references from already-resettled animals, and an essay on how you’ll enrich the multicultural canopy.”
The owl blinked. “Sounds like a lot of paperwork. And then we’re safe?”
The beaver laughed. “Safe-ish. Until they decide the forest you move into is economically ‘underperforming.’ Then they turn it into condos.”
The owl sighed. “Why is survival always disguised as opportunity?”
The beaver shrugged. “Because it's easier to sell hope than to make room for it.”
Real headlines that vaguely resemble today’s fiction:
https://phys.org/news/2025-04-trump-admin-redefining-endangered-animals.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/16/climate/trump-endangered-species-act-harm.html
https://www.barrons.com/news/trump-admin-proposes-redefining-harm-to-endangered-animals-ce571ea6
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