Feathered Hostility
Spring in Waterloo comes with surprises. And beaks.
“Do not look him in the eye,” my roommate whispered, brandishing a spatula like a sword forged for battle.
“It’s a goose, not Medusa,” I said, stepping onto the porch with the bravery of a kid volunteering for the haunted house dare.
We lasted three seconds. Then the goose launched itself like a feathery heat-seeking missile. I screamed. Ashok screamed louder. Our neighbor Diane waved from her porch, filming the whole thing like it was an indie horror film.
“Try staying calm!” she shouted.
“Easy for you to say, Diane! You’re not being hunted by Canada’s angriest patriot!”
Back inside, we reviewed the footage. You’d think a goose couldn’t sprint. You’d be wrong. So, so wrong.
I had croissants.
Ashok had dignity.
Neither survived.
It was early spring in Waterloo, which meant tulips, term papers, and being aggressively menaced by government-protected birds. My roommates and I had started using the side door like fugitives. We called animal control. “You need to coexist with wildlife,” the woman said, like we were roommates with a raccoon who needed anger management.
We submitted a formal complaint to the municipal wildlife office. Their reply: Be patient. Avoid eye contact.
“I’d give that advice to someone negotiating with a hostage-taker,” Ashok said.
We watched a Ring video of a guy in a tracksuit, crouching low, like he was bartering with a dragon, holding out a granola bar. The goose accepted the offering, then bit him anyway.
“I think we actually are hostages,” Ashok said.
“No,” I replied. “We’re diplomats in a war zone. Our enemy has feathers and zero chill.”
Outside, the goose stared motionlessly outside the window. Watching. Waiting. Plotting.
We avoided eye contact.
Real headlines that vaguely resemble today’s fiction:
https://www.ctvnews.ca/kitchener/article/canada-geese-terrorize-waterloo-ont-neighbourhood/
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If you are confusing this with real news, please unplug your Wi-Fi router, go outside and touch some grass to get back to reality. Full disclaimer here.